Just call a thief a thief

We're leaving the house when my 5 year old saw the neighbors window busted. He said, "Wow, it rained so hard that it broke that car's window!", "No son, someone broke into their car." You know what came next "Daddy, why did someone break their window?" (You would think that at 5 years old he would know these things already, especially living in Oakland) I don't want to simply say, "Because they are broke" or worse "some people just steal. We call them thieves!" or even assume "They are probably looking for something to sell to buy drugs." So instead, I start explaining human behavior theories, highlighting environmental factors as primary determinants, and finally summarizing humanity and our concepts of good and bad as not being core attributes to peoples' nature, but subjective value judgements on behavior patterns.

He let me finish completely before saying: "Oh. So Daddy, what will we do if someone breaks into our car and steals something?" In a split second, I realize, in my head, 2 things: 1. calling the cops is moot except to have the city add me as a casualty to their stats, especially since the deductible is $500 and they are not going to dust for prints and interview the neighbors... 2. In 5 years my son has learned to do what it has taken me 36 years to do: Get to the point. "Well son, I guess we would just fix the window."

give me my dollar back

I can't stand gimmicks. Attempt #1: First Safeway makes their checkers ask you if you want to donate to breast cancer or muscular distrophy, forcing me to make a choice to NOT give to this clearly worthy cause, out loud in front of everyone in the line. Not cool. Now I either a. feel guilty for not giving, or b. don't even blink, not giving a damn about sick women or children. Neither of those sit well with me. Of course I could say yes and give the dollar but then I will feel a. resentful for the sneaky intrusion on my shopping experience, or b. like my family is $1 poorer in the worse recession of my lifetime. All I want is my groceries, that's all. I already lied to the brotha in front of the store telling him I didn't have the change. Well technically I didn't have the exact change he was asking for and if I did, what I meant was that my family already had dibbs on all my available cash. Attempt #2: Oh, and now at the CVS when you swipe your card, they automatically prompt you to donate a dollar to some other cause and you again are forced to say "NO" to sick women and children.

Now I know we are supposed to have prosperity consciousness and give cheerfully and think abundantly so that the universe can return all that I give 10 fold, etc. etc. and I wholeheartedly believe all that. I also believe that a fool and his money shall soon be parted, so for now, I say "booo" to the execs at Safeway and CVS for hustling customers for the charities that their executives are on the board of.

The Dance Party

It's a dance party in the living room. A regular Payne family ritual. Michael Jackson is cranking. Elijah is outdoing his self with jumps and spins. Me and Kafi are doing moves from the early 90's. Cameron is running in circles screaming. This is the point when Kafi says "move Elijah, Daddys going to do the worm!" That was my que to dust off my partystopper. I used to do "the worm" (also known as the centipede) as my climax move in my younger days, much younger. So without a moments hesitation, I stop doing the robot and hit the floor so smooth, Kafi was like "Wow! Daddy did that gooood! Do that again Daddy!" My whole family was in awe. This was a dance partay!

30 minutes later after I bathe and clothe the boys, the shooting pain in my forearm cannot be ignored but why is it hurting? Did I hit my arm on something? Then I realize in an instant. I just dove in the air, (twice!) landing on my arms, absorbing my full adult weight and now my arm hurts. Then a deeper realization washes over my mind: I am almost 36 years old, I haven't played basketball since Bush was president, I can't remember the last time I even sprinted let alone did some push ups, I measure my daily exercise with a pedometer! Damn.

I share my realization with my loving caring spouse that my epic dance move caused a minor injury and that it took my 21 year old mind 30 minutes to realize that my body is actually 35. She laughed so hard she stopped breathing a couple of times. I never got hurt before doing the worm but I never has so much fun doing it either. Yup, I'm getting older but I am loving the ride!

"The Kobe Special"

Tiger Woods. Let's see, where do I begin? I was the first one to be gullible enough to believe that his wife valiantly tried to rescue her husband (who is reportedly a Billionaire) from imminent danger while trapped inside a wrecked car... with a golf club. Kind of ironic but hey, the man does play a lot of golf!

But now it appears that Tiger Woods has just provided reason number 3487 for not cheating on your wife. God knows I am not claiming to be perfect and not one to throw stones, but cheating is one thing that clearly brings unwanted consequences, ESPECIALLY when you are one of the most famous people on the planet. Google famous affairs of black Americans (Bill Cosby, Jesse Jackson, Kobe Bryant, Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, Shaq, etc.)

Woods reportedly said he needs a "Kobe special" which means a "house on a finger". Kobe's wife faithfully (pun intended) wears her "house" everyday but at a 4.5 million pricetag, it's more like a "neighborhood on a finger". With very little savy, I could easily snap up a whole city block in Oakland for that much money.

According to Tiger, his Norwegian blonde wife reportedly "went ghetto" on him. Hmmm, I wonder what Tiger visualized when he said the word "ghetto" and why he never thought his European wife would go there? Could race and class have anything to do with it?

I wonder if Tiger Woods, the only person on planet earth who says he is Not black will claim blackness when the conservative media gets through with this. I wonder if he will feel the scathing glow of racism and bias against a black man accused of making a mistake.

The media will have a "field" day but will Tiger remain in the "house"?

I wonder if he will have the same "awakening" as OJ Simpson did? Harry Edwards told a story about how during the black athlete boycott in 1968, OJ was approached and asked to support his brothers and sisters and join the "black boycott" while he played at USC and he reportedly replied "I'm not black, I'm OJ!"

Tiger's now famous declaration that he is cablaisian (white, black and asian) is laughable, but default treatment as "black" because that is how the world perceives you is not. It seems with Tigers referenced connection to Kobe and his reference to his "ghetto" wife, that he is getting blacker by the minute. I hope Tiger stops by the psychiatrist on his way to Zales because he has a lot to sort out.

Public courtesy?

It's dinner at the local ice creamery. I take Elijah to the bathroom. He goes in the stall and proceeds to get about 20% in the actual bowl. Then he does something I have NEVER seen him do before. He takes some toilet paper and starts to wipe down the toilet seat that he didn't bother to lift up before he christened it. I am stuck. Then this warn feeling comes over me: The lectures about responsibility are finally working! I am proud. With a big smile, I ask Elijah: "Son, you wiped the toilet seat! You do that at home?" He flatly says "no". (smile fades) I am stuck again but this time confusion washes over me. "You mean you clean the public toilet but leave your own toilet a mess??" "Umm, (giggle) yeah." WTF??

Afrocentric tooth fairy

So Elijah is eating a snack Sunday afternoon and screams out. This is not a rare occurance so I casually inquire "What seems to be the problem son?", "My tooth is loose! Baaaaa!" I check it out and indeed his tooth is loose. I then wonder if he should be losing his tooth by now and consult my online doctor: Yahoo! questions. It's confirmed that kids can generally begin losing teeth between 4 and 6 years old. So I calm him down by trying to get him excited about all the benefits of losing a tooth. I tell him he will get a treat. then he replies "From the tooth fairy?" *pause* Think quick, I wasn't prepared to confirm or deny a mythical character like the tooth fairy. We killed the Santa Claus myth years ago, but the tooth fairy? We missed that one. Well, if I tell him there is no tooth fairy, it's irreversible but if I confirm it I can decide to kill the myth later or substitute it for a more culturally appropriate one. "Yes, the tooth fairy will come!" (I just bought myself some time) "And bring me a shiny new dime?!" "Yup, super shiny!"

So the next day, mommy get's some cotton and yanks it out, no screams and no tears. Meanwhile, I am looking for an afrocentric tooth fairy on google of course and I find it. Children put their tooth under a gourd and the African tooth fairy exchanges the tooth for 2 chickens... (That's live chickens) *pause* Ok, so the ritual needs a little modification so I go search for a shiny dime and wait for Elijah to fall asleep.

The next morning, he is as happy as can be with his dime. Then he asks "How did the tooth fairy get in the house?", "I don't know." Then he says, "She probably broke the window and came in the house. Oh, I know, let's go find the broken window!"

inappropriate language

I am talking to Kafi the other day and I use the word, "inappropriate". Something like, "oh no, that picture looks inappropriate..." Elijah records it to memory and proceeds to use it every chance he gets. "Elijah go get dressed for bed", "Awwww, mannn, that's inappropriate!" No Elijah, that's not the correct usage of the word but I commend you for trying, now get dressed.